Kinda bummed out

I know I have been talking about how much I hate Wal-Mart lately. I have decided that I don't hate all Wal-Marts, just Mikes and how they screw him over. They do help us pay our bills and that is where I buy my groceries so I can't hate them all. Just wanted to clear that up. ;)

I am so so bummed out lately. I guess PMS doesn't help it much but I am not a happy camper and haven't been for a couple of days now. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond happy that I get to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my in-laws, but I already miss my family. I feel like I have to keep a strong face and a smile in front of Mike because he will blame himself for me being unhappy. Growing up, we always went to my Grandma's house for Christmas. We haven't been able to go in a couple of years and this year, my family was able to drive up there. I wish more than anything that I was with them. Of course, with my work and Mike's work, it isn't possible, but I wish it was. I still can dream right? I miss all the stuff we do. Like the HUGE christmas eve dinner, still sitting at the kids table. Acting out the nativity just because that is Grandma's favorite part. Singing carols, opening gifts and eating peppermint dessert. :D I just feel like I'm missing out. :( :( :(

Christmas isn't really a big deal at Mike's house. Not compared to how I'm used to it. I want Mike to be able to really enjoy his Christmas the way that he did growing up too. Grrr it is just so hard trying to smush together two different families, ya know? And on top of all that, I want for Mike and I to have our own traditions but I guess that will be something that will happen easier when we have kids and he doesn't work every single day... I'm trying to do everything Christmas-y I can. Right now I am watching White Christmas. LOVE that movie. I just wish I wasn't watching it alone :( Oh well. As my dad keeps telling me "This too shall past" and "endure with patience." I know one day I'll be grateful for the time we shared while in school, but right now, I can't see through all the crap. :S

On another side note, I am getting CRAZY baby crazy. I dream about being pregnant weekly and then wake up wishing it was true :( I know more than anything that right now is not a good time for us, even though everyone tells us that we can make it work. For one, I don't want to get pregnant now because I don't want to be VERY pregnant during the summer. For two, Mike and I both work almost full time and he goes to school, so we don't have the money. For three, I don't have insurance. I just see all the little babies at church and wish I had one of my own. I know it will happen when it is supposed to happen, but I hate waiting. :(

Uhh It's the Christmas season and I should be ina good mood. I am really trying hard to be positive and festive and to keep the true meaning of Christmas. Too bad it involves WAY too many pies and WAY too many hours spent at Wal-Mart. ;) Mike and I are getting to have our own Christmas Dinner on Tuesday though. Now only if I can make it through the next 2 days...